If you had left me the stars would still be twinkling, the sun would still warmly rise, and the frozen darkness would melt away.
If you had left me the soft sea would continue to hug the rough sand and the cold beautiful moon would cast light in a black night, but I would have no light for me.
If you went away the phone call I would get at one in the morning would carve a hole not only in my heart, but also my soul. I would not have remained upright. The pillar I made myself into would crumble with the choked out words on the other end of the line.
You are my world, my best friend. When distance of space left me with no one to play with growing up-you were there. You were there to go on those long adventures, and you were alit with the joy of dressing in oversized clothing and parading around the back woods, just as I was.
And when distance of emotion made me shove every single person away, you clung to my pinky until the sobs that eluded me shook my body so violently that you could do nothing but try and hold me still.
I can’t believe you stayed then. I can’t believe you could have left now.
If you were to go, I could never go home again. Your shadow would flit along every wall, your soul would perch on every couch, chair, and stool, and your voice would soar among the currents. Without you I would never be able to sing again. I would never hear music, because to be deaf and mute would be a far better life to suffer through then to be reminded of the songs we performed, and the way your fingers hit ivory keys. You are my music. And if you were to go, my music would be gone.
My love, everyone has a dark side. The strength you need to conquer it is buried in you. You only need to find it. And once you have it in your grasp, then you can put down the blade, open your eyes, and breathe.
You. You helped push my blade away, you motivated me to toss the bottles of pills, and when I snapped out of my haze you were the first person I saw.
I never wished you to understand how I felt, to bleed how I bled, to waste away how I faded. And yet you did, and it wrenches me so.
One year ago you tried to leave. You were hurt, heartbroken, lost, and you decided to leave. And I stopped you. No, you stopped yourself. I only called your name. I have always been voiceless, but for you I created words. I created my strength. I’m glad I tried to stop you. I’m glad I did.
Because if you had left, I would fall apart. I would return home, bags in hands, and I would forget to talk, to smile, to eat, to sleep, to breathe. Without you, I would go without everything because everything-Every little thing, would be apart of you. A part of us.
My brother, I would swim oceans for you. I would climb mountains with no rope, I would walk through flames whilst covered in gasoline, I would fight every person who had hurt you-weaponless, if only to have you stay. I have no fear. Not if it keeps you here.
My brother, I love you.
One year ago, if you had left me, I wouldn’t be here. Because if you had left me, I would leave me.
My brother. Thank you for holding on. Thank you for telling me. Thank you for staying.
Thank you for giving me a reason to say:
If you had left me.